By: Amanda cosgriff
How do we move from being in the “friend zone” to a romantic relationship? As we discussed last week, factors such as physical attraction, similarities, reciprocity, and familiarity are needed. Those characteristics are the foundation of a relationship. However, it is not the start of the relationship that researchers are interested in, but rather the stability of relationships (Le, Dove, Agnew, Korn, Mutso, 2010). As the relationships develops, the factors needed for attraction move into more complex, multi-faceted levels. As the relationship develops, feelings intensify and individual needs change (Fiske, 2014).
One factor research has discussed as an important step towards a long-term relationship is courtship. As was discussed last week, both males and females are choosy and both compete for a desirable mate (Stewart-Williams & Thomas, 2013). The process of competing for a desirable mate is known as courtship. Research suggests the development and characteristics of courtship foreshadow whether or not a relationship ends in success (i.e., marriage; Niehuis, Houston, & Rosenband, 2006). As we know, the development into a relationship evolves over time and depends on individual, couple and environmental variables.
Investment
The courtship process evolves into commitment to another person, which also involves investing your time and energy into a relationship. The amount of investment you put into a person or a relationship is said to predict an individual’s level of commitment (Rusbult, Agnew, & Arriaga, 2012). Commitment is the idea of wanting to maintain a relationship in hopes for the relationship to develop into long-term (Fiske, 2014). Fiske (2014) discusses two factors that affect commitment in relationships: comparison level and comparison to alternatives. We all have our own expectations and desires about what we think we deserve in a relationship. Rightly so, we also analyze whether those expectations are satisfied or not. When these expectations are not satisfied, we may compare our outcomes in our current relationship to others.
Give and Take
When we are in a relationship with someone, there is a level of dependence we have on our significant other. This level of dependence refers to things the individual “needs” from the relationship, or the outcomes the individual obtains from the relationship (Rushult & Agnew, 2012). This symbiotic relationship involves a “give and take” to sustain a stable relationship. Research has indicated that individuals who are dependent on one another have high levels of satisfaction (Rushult & Agnew, 2012). However, these high levels of satisfaction are not constant. Sometimes what benefits one person may not benefit the other (Van Lange, Rusbult, Drigotas, Arriaga, Witcher, & Cox, 1997). While this is sometimes frustrating, research has suggested when this imbalance occurs one or both people feel the need to sacrifice their needs to benefit their partner. Sacrifice in a relationship involves the immediate action to promote the well-being of another person or relationship. This openness to change based on what is important in the relationship has been found to be an important factor in sustaining a happy and healthy long-term relationship (Karney, 2010).
Samantha Joel writes in her blog 10 things she believes are important for sustaining a healthy relationship. One of which is autonomy. It is important to remember that when you are in a relationship, to make some decisions independently (Joel, 2013). However, there is the Dependency Paradox, which suggests dependency is not all that bad. The dependency paradox hypothesizes the idea that a partner who is more dependent on their partner for support, comfort, reassurance, and protection (Feeny, 2007) experiences more autonomy. Although it may sound confusing, the dependency paradox stems from the attachment theory between parent and child. When we think about healthy attachment styles, babies who know their parents are available are more confident and develop a secure attachment (Selterman, 2012). So is it okay to be dependent on your partner? Research says yes, as long as your partner accepts your dependency (Feeny, 2007, Selterman, 2012). Results from a study conducted by Feeny (2007) showed that an individual who accepts dependency needs from one partner is linked to having higher levels of autonomy in the other.
Conclusion
There are many factors that go into sustaining a relationship. These factors are not independent of each other, but rather interact and work together to keep a positive, healthy relationship. Relationships remain stable through the commitment, which to me is one of the most important factors in sustaining a relationship. Once individuals start feeling like their needs are not being met is when we look at alternatives and potentially assess whether or not the relationship is beneficial. However, changes occur as the relationship progresses, which relates to whether we are willing to adapt to these changes and potentially sacrifice things for one another. There also comes the idea of dependence with independence that occur in a relationship. It is import that your partner knows that you are their support system. Letting your partner know you are there for them instills confidence. These factors are factors I believe are important for sustaining a long-term relationship.
References
- Feeny, B. C. (2007). The dependency paradox in close relationships: Accepting dependence promotes independence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(2), 268-285.
- Fiske, S. (2014). Close Relationships: Passion, Interdependence, Commitment and Intimacy. In Social Beings, Core Motives in Social Psychology, 299-334.
- Karney, B. (2010, February). Keeping marriages healthy, and why it’s so difficult [Blog Post]. Retrieved from: http://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2010/02/sci-brief.aspx.
- Le, B., Dove, N. L. Agnew, C. R., Korn, M. S., & Mutso, A. A. (2010). Predicting nonmarital romantic relationship dissolution: A meta-analytic synthesis. Personal Relationships, 17 (377-390).
- Niehuis, S., Huston, T. L., & Rosenband, R. (2006). From courtship into marriage: A new developmental model and methodological critique. The Journal of Family Communication, 6(1), 23-47.
- Rusbult, C. E., Agnew, C. R., & Arriaga, X. B. (2012). The investment model of commitment processes, In P. A. M Van Lange., A. W. Kruglanski., & E. T. Higgins (Eds.), Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology (pp. 218 – 231).
- Shelterman, J.. (2013). Getting married? Love science? Here are our ten research-based wedding vows. [Blog Post]. Retrieved from: http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2013/12/9/getting-married-love-science-here-are-our-ten-research-based.html.
- Stewart-Williams, S., & Thomas, A. G. (2013). The ape that thought it was a peacock: Does evolutionary psychology exaggerate human sex differences? Psychological inquiry, 24, 137-168.
- Van Lange, P. A. M., Rusbult, C. E., Drigotas, S. M., Arriaga, X. B., Witcher, B. S., & Cox, C. L. (1997). Willingness to sacrifice in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(6), 1373-1395.