by: matthew timmins
Background: In a brief video review, Dr. Helen Fisher discusses her work on the changes in the way relationship longevity may be predicted with changes in culture (Big Think, 2016). For example, she describes how premarital cohabitation and premarital sexual behaviors (e.g., friends with benefits, one night stands) are more common in the recent generations, along with an increase in long-term marital satisfaction. Near the end of her discussion, Fisher also points to two things that appear to consistently increase the longevity of a romantic relationship: (1) viewing your partner in a positive light while ignoring their flaws (positive illusions) and (2) having frequent sex.
Fisher’s statements on positive illusions, including complimenting your partner daily, has found support within research on romantic couples who are dating and/or are married. For example, Murray, Holmes, and Griffin (1996) asked couples who were dating or married to rate themselves and their partners on a variety of positive and negative traits, as well as complete a measure of overall relationship satisfaction. They found that married couples viewed each other in more positive lights than their partner viewed themselves, and marital relationship satisfaction increased the more positively they viewed their partner (Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 1996). However, these relationships were not as directly related within couples who were dating, which implies that those who are in a satisfying, long-term committed relationship (satisfying marriage) are more likely to experience positive illusions of their partners compared to less committed relationships (dating) or those who are less satisfied (unsatisfying marriage). In short, the presence of positive illusions may increase the likelihood that the relationship will continue to thrive while the lack of positive illusions may increase the likelihood the relationship will end.
Conclusion: Overall, there are a vast number of factors that may contribute to the maintenance of a romantic relationship once it has begun. Of note for this post, positive illusions and engaging in sex are two factors that help partners maintain a relationship; however, the current literature might suggest that their significance in maintaining a relationship may fluctuate as the relationship matures. Positive illusions appear to have a strong influence on partners’ relationship satisfaction, particularly when the relationship is well established. In other words, continuing to see the partner in a more positive light while ignoring their flaws may increase relationship satisfaction later in the relationship. In contrast, frequently engaging in sex early in the relationship’s development may increase the likelihood that deeper feelings of romantic love and commitment grow over time. As the relationship strengthens, sex may still be an important factor in maintaining the relationship primarily by playing a supporting role when other factors are weakened.
Key words: positive illusions, sex, relationship maintenance
References
- Big Think. (2016). The Science of Love, with Dr. Helen Fisher. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YP4n9G0qtQ&feature=youtu.be
- Birnbaum, G. E., & Finkel, E. J. (2015). The magnetism that holds us together: sexuality and relationship maintenance across relationship development. Relationship Science, 1, 29–33. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2014.11.009
- Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(1), 79–98. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.1.79